A pediatrician's visit and our first huge scare:

Veronica is still not holding weight on her legs. If you hold her above a surface - any surface - she will not put her feet down, instead holding them up close to her torso as if something hot is underneath her. This is far from normal, especially for her age. Everything else about her is fine - in fact, her dexterity and verbal skills seemed to surprise the doctor, so I'm presuming she might be a little above the curve in those regards.

So now, we have an appointment on June 4 for a physical therapy evaluation regarding her legs. They're calling this something like "delay of gross motor development." Of course this is upsetting. Her doctor is also ordering up a visit to the neurology department at Children's Hospital as a precautionary measure - she said it will be at least six weeks until they can get her in, and we'll probably have to cancel at that point because everything will be fine by then. But Dr. Rogers wouldn't say what this was a precaution for, and I refuse to worry about it now.

The worst was the blood work. We had to take her to a children's outpatient facility today to have blood drawn to check if she has muscular dystrophy. We knew it was a worst-case scenario. We knew it was just to rule out the possibilty rather than to confirm it. We even knew that, statistically, more boys get it than girls ever do.

But I still looked at her for one moment and thought, it's still a disease that people get, and someone's child has to get it. Why would I think it couldn't be mine?

So a nurse pricked her finger and got enough blood to do the test. Veronica cried. We went home. We fed her, laid her down for a nap, played with her. And we waited.

Thank God someone at the pediatrician's had enough heart to call back at 4 p.m. today to tell us her blood work came back normal.

Do I hope she doesn't need physical therapy or any further follow-ups on this? Of course. But for now, this hurdle has been jumped, this fear abated. And that's all I can ask for right now.

Happy First Birthday, Veronica!

It is now 10:50 p.m. as I begin to type. You are in your crib, sound asleep.

Your day today started out as so many others do: We woke up. Daddy got you dressed and took you to Debbie's house for the day. You played, napped, and ate there, and had a good time. Later that afternoon, Daddy picked you up (as Mommy sometimes does too) and brought you home.

But then I got home later than usual, bringing in boxes from the supermarket. One held a veggie tray, the other, a huge cake with a Winnie-the-Pooh design with icing that said "Happy 1st Birthday Veronica!" Plus a little cake, with icing designed into a smiley face.

Then other people started arriving, Mommy and Daddy's friends. Heather got here first, followed by Brandon and Amanda, then Dan and Liz, then Darren and Liesel. We all ate, including you, although you just had some crackers, baby food and a sippy cup; the grown-ups had deluxe nachos made by your daddy, veggies, fruit salad, pop, and beer. You were scooting all over the kitchen floor as we all milled about; you knew you were the center of attention, and everyone fussed over you in your cute little sailor dress.

We then went into the living room, where I started opening up packages - you had no interest in them as presents, only what was inside. You got pretty clothes, hats you wouldn't wear no many how many times we stuck them on your head, and a couple books; you didn't care. You got some new toys, though, and went nuts for them. Mission accomplished. :-)

Our friend Susan arrived after that, flustered, having thought the party was supposed to be tomorrow night instead until Heather had called her. She brought you a toy as well. Everyone mingled. Liesel and a few of the other guests played with you. Dan and Liz had bought you the new Usher CD at our request; when "Yeah" came on, you bounced and kicked your feet. Everyone laughed and started dancing along. It was sweet.

We all talked and laughed and played with you, watching you play on your own too with your new toys. Brandon tried to fix the scanner on our computer here, so that I could scan the pictures we'll soon have developed and post them for your Aunt Pam, who had sent you an e-mail wishing you a happy birthday.

Then we went into the kitchen, where Daddy had placed a drop cloth over the floor, and set you down in front of the little smiley-face cake. You played a bit with the icing, never quite figuring out to eat the cake (so aptly labeled as a "smash cake" by the grocery store bakery) and got upset when you just kept smearing icing all over yourself. Daddy filmed you, while Heather and I took pictures.

We finally gave you a bath, the water quickly turning greenish like some of the icing that covered you. Liesel and I dried you off and put you into your pajamas while Daddy cut the big cake for everyone else. We laid you into bed, and our guests finally left. It looked like they all had a nice time, and it was good seeing them all.

Which leads us to now, with you in this world for one full year. It's now 11:03 p.m.

Happy First Birthday, Veronica. I hope it was a good one, and the first of decades more to come.

So today is April 27. A date I will always remember. A date that will always be special to me.

Because one year ago today was the last day of my life that I wasn't a mom.

Oh, I suppose you could point out that I was pregnant and therefore already a mom in that regard. But I didn't say it was the last day I wasn't a MOTHER. It was the last day I wasn't a MOM. And there's a difference.

The excitement and anxiousness I have over Veronica's birthday party tomorrow evening is nothing compared to how I felt a year ago at this time. Did I sleep? Not really, and it wasn't just because I was so huge and uncomfortable. I was only allowed to eat until midnight, but I only snacked all evening, too nervous to really think about eating. I drank some water just before midnight. I do remember that.

Tomorrow morning I will go to work, and remember that a year ago I was stopping by a gas station to buy a stack of newspapers, all bearing what would be Veronica's birthdate. As I log onto my computer at the office, I can remember that last year I was hooked up to IV's, getting interrogated by nurses and having lord knows what humiliating thing done to my body. (Which you really don't notice, btw, when you're there. Everything else - pride, shame, embarrassment - all take a backseat. Hell, they're not even in the backseat. They're not even in the car.) And I just hope that, at 9:16 tomorrow morning, I'm not so busy in the middle of some phone call or a conference with an attorney to look at the clock and remember the most wonderful moment of my life.

And today, I looked at my beautiful little girl, laughing and scooting across the floor, playing with toys, eating food, grabbing at the cat, and remembered my squishy little baby. The one who slept so much, who couldn't hold up her head or roll over. My tiny little girl in the hospital (who was still so much bigger than the other babies there!) And I miss my little baby. I know this time has passed, and yet I wonder when, exactly, did she leave? Was it the moment I got that first smile? The moment she first held up her head or rolled over? That first time she saw a toy and batted at it, hoping to connect with it somehow?

I don't know what I have a harder time believing: That Veronica has been here for a year, or that I've been a mom for this long. Or that it's been a year since I stopped just being a woman and a wife, a year since I became something much more than I had been before - and that it's only the first year of many more to come.

Before this day has ended, I just wanted to say this:

Happy Birthday, Jason. I love you.

He had a good day, and therefore I am happy. I tend to like birthdays and enjoy celebrating them - even when they're not my own.

We went out to dinner at Ted's, an experience made even nicer not only by the company of our friend Dan, but also by the fact that he paid the bill. Afterward, Dan and his girlfriend Liz met up here at the house for some noshing on the goodies I picked up at Just Pies today - I couldn't help it, I ended up getting four varieties of pie because I just wanted to make sure I got Jason things he'd like. (OK, so the small cookie pie was for both of us, and now he doesn't like it - oh well. The medium custard, small rhubarb, and small Boston creme are all favorites of his.)

Jason got birthday cards from me, my folks, his mom, and his grandma. He got calls from his mom and both his sisters. Even Veronica seemed to be in on it and was in very good spirits all evening.

So Happy 29th, sweetie, 'cas I know you'll read this. Hope it was a good one. Time for bed, and onto another day to make new memories....

Yet another event has just occurred that screams "Welcome to parenthood":

I went to put on my right tennis shoe and found one of Veronica's toys wedged up in the toe.

I had to laugh. That was cute.

I was going to try to tie last night's Prince concert in with Veronica somehow, but I really can't, except to relay how I described it to her. She was playing in her room today while I was putting away her clothes, and I told her:

Last night your daddy and I went to a concert. We went to see a man named Prince, and he sang and danced and played the guitar, and he was very good at all of them! And he had a band, and they sang and danced and played their instruments, and they were all very good too. And there were so many people there to see Prince, and they were all singing and dancing along and cheering. That's why Mommy's voice is so hoarse today, because Mommy was singing and cheering too. And near the end, Prince had some people from the crowd come onstage with him, mostly women, but there was a man too, all people who really liked Prince a lot, and they all danced around him and the band. And he'd hand of the microphone to some of the women, and they'd sing the song, and they had so much fun! And there were lots of lights, and confetti came down from the ceiling, and everyone had a wonderful time!

And she listened and played, and that's pretty much the gist of it. It was a good show, not exactly what I expected; he jammed a lot, did a lot of medleys, but performed very few songs all the way through. It was still a great show, though.

I think what was most amusing was something that happened during the aftermath: The mass exodus of shoeless women to their cars. Apparently a Prince concert requires more women to wear chunky sandals and high heels than other concerts do, because I don't recall having seen this phenomenon before last night's show. Even I was doing it, my big, chunky sandals (which looked adorable with my mini-skirt) having left some nasty blisters on both my big toes. I walked carefully on the sidewalks leading back to the parking lot, grinning at other women carrying their fashionable-yet-ridiculous shoes and hearing other women commenting, upon seeing me, that they weren't alone. It was funny, the things we ladies will do to be fashionable. I mean, I could've worn jeans and my tennis shoes, but it was PRINCE, for crying out loud. I don't care that he's cleaned up the raunchiness of his shows, I believe I've always had to dress a certain way in regard to the man ever since the moment I realized "Little Red Corvette" is NOT about a car. ;-)

I can't wait to take Veronica to her first concert, until I realize that her first show will NOT be something cool. It will be The Wiggles, or Barney On Ice, or something equally as ridiculous. And then it will probably move onto her generation's version of N'Sync and Britney Spears. Kind of hard to tell now, given her current favorites:

1. ABBA. But c'mon, who DOESN'T like ABBA? People say they don't like ABBA, but most of the time it's because they consider themselves too cool to admit that they sing "Dancing Queen" in the shower just like the rest of us.

2. Korn. I've never seen this, but Jason says that she completely rocks out to Korn - does her little dancing head bob (anyone with a baby knows what I'm talking about) the moment she hears one of their bass groves. Too funny.

3. Hip-hop. I'm still scratching my head over this one. It's not like Jason nor I are fans of the genre. But she loves it when it's on MTV, and goes nuts whenever she hears "Yeah" by Usher. Sometimes we just turn on MTV 2 or BET while she's playing and just let her go to town. Half the time I don't even recognize who's on the screen, and more often than not I don't even know the song, but she loves it.

4. The "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" soundtrack, which is on a long-running rotation in my car. Pretty much any song will make her gleefully kick her feet in her car seat, but her favorite seems to be "You Promised Me" by InGrid. Her least favorite on the album? "Never Coming Home" by Sting. She starts crying when it comes on. As Jason thinks Sting is a pompous ass, this amuses him to no end. As I really like the song, I've accepted that I'll just have to play it when she's not in the car.

That's all the news now, as the rest of my family naps (I've already done so myself today) and we get ready for movie night at Heather's (with her new flat-screen TV!) and possibly a cook-out with Brandon and Amanda tomorrow. :-)

Happy Easter!

Baby's first Easter was celebrated by dinner with Jason's family, plus a bunch of gifts - a shorts set, two new pairs of pajamas, two new books, and some new stuffed toys (a bunny, a duckie, and a lamb). Veronica looked adorable in her little blue Easter dress.

But now, I'm exhausted. It's been a busy weekend, and I'm signing off for now. Just wanted to note Veronica's first Easter - lots of fun, and hopefully the first of many wonderful Easters to come.

OK, finally: Onto new Veronica progress!

1) Mobility:

First off, she's sitting up in bed every night now. For a while there, she was waking herself up every night, getting stuck in the sitting up position, or getting stuck AFTER that position - she would get sleepy again, then droop down so she was asleep with her head between her feet, THEN wake up and realize she was stuck in THAT position. That was annoying for all parties involved.

She's still not walking but has become quite adept at scooting on her butt all over the floor, pulling herself forward with her arms and scooting her little heels. She's now all over the living room, forcing us to start childproofing really damn fast and start teaching her exactly what "no" means. Which leads me to....

2) Behavior:

You pull her away from something, and hello, temper tantrum. She cries. She shrieks. She stiffens her entire body, which is sometimes disastrous, as it causes her to throw herself back onto the floor or forward into whatever hard surface she is facing. I comfort her. I hold her. I tell her I understand she's upset. But I never give her the thing she wants. So far, in the past two days, the "thing" has been our cable modem; the electrical cord to a lamp; an electrical outlet (since childproofed with those little plastic things); a photo album that was way too available on an end table; and the doors to the aquarium stand (which really isn't too big of a deal until she starts slamming them repeatedly and scaring the hell out of the fish.)

On the opposite, though, she amuses herself a lot more too. My mom brought her up a stuffed doll her last visit, and Veronica will start laughing if you just hand her the doll. She adores it and has named it "Barbara." (Actually, she says "bah-bah" or "bah-bar" when she sees it; hence the name. But she doesn't call anything else that. She has named the doll.)

She's got a lot of common sense too, which makes her toys a lot less fun for us to watch her play with. For example, she has one of those block sets where you have to put the certain shape block into the certain shape hole to get it into a bucket. Well, within minutes she was showing us an easier way: Hey mom and dad, check it out, if you take the top off this bucket, you can just toss the blocks in and not worry what shape they are! This makes her LeapFrog basketball hoop a lot less fun too; when you throw the ball through the hoop, it hits a litte switch and makes sounds - counting, ABC's, etc. She's figured out that if she just reaches her hand in there, she can repeatedly hit the switch and not worry about the balls. So she just sits there, flicking the switch and watching it go. *sigh*

3) Vocabulary:

She said "dog" one evening when we were taking a walk at every dog she saw. We're convinced she's a genius. Then we get home and everything was "dog." Jason. Pictures on top the piano. Pita, the cat. *sigh* again.

Her new favorite, which she learned from the other kids at the babysitter's, is "uh-oh." She says it when she drops something...or at random. Whenever.

The funniest use of her language had to be last weekend, when we went to the zoo. Now, she really didn't care too much about the animals, instead preferring to watch the other people there, especially the other babies and little kids. But I finally got her attention to notice the otters in the new Australia/Pacific Islands exhibit. She sat up. She watched them. She grinned. And she said, plain as day...."Kitty." Too, too cute.

4) Physical development:

We think she's finally teething - she is drooling a lot, and chewing on EVERYTHING, mostly her own hands.

She's also growing like a weed. She's filling out and getting longer. She's just getting so BIG....

Her hair is getting really thick too, and long enough so that people have asked if we've cut it yet. Although it's also growing unevenly, making it look like it HAS been cut, and poorly. :-P

That's all I can write for now, as groceries need to be purchased, and dirty laundry doesn't clean itself.

*sigh*

I SWEAR this blog isn't just a monthly thing, although it's looking like it as of late. Just with the new job, some nasty flu bugs, guests coming to visit, and the like, it's been hectic. This is even just a quick note so that no one thinks I've dropped off the face of the Earth - Jason and I are making an early movie-then-dinner date today, going to see "Hellboy" at 2 then eating afterward, since our babysitter wants to do homework tonight.

This is actually the start of a very hectic month, event-wise. Let's list them in chronolocial order, shall we?

April 11: Veronica's first Easter
April 20: Jason's 29th birthday
April 24: Zane's first birthday
April 28: Veronica's first birthday

Some time in there, I'm going to have to get Veronica's portrait taken yet again, this time for her one-year shot. As JCPenney takes too damn long getting them back, and I don't like the birthday backgrounds at The Picture People, I'm thinking of trying Sears again (only at a different location this time.)

I do have to get going now, but hopefully I can update about Veronica's progress later - and in a timely fashion.