One evening last week, I told Veronica it was bedtime, after several warnings that it was imminent. Although she had promised to go to bed without fuss, naturally she instead threw a fit and started kicking the floor. Then she decided to play her game called "Family":

"No, I'm the mommy and you're the kid!" she shouted. "You go to bed and I stay up!"

I decided to play along.

"I'm the kid and you're the mommy? OK then, I'm heading upstairs and going to bed and get some sleep, and you can stay down here and figure out what the burning smell is coming from behind the fridge. And you'll have to pack your own lunch and take a shower before you go to bed. Tomorrow I'll go to school and play all day, and you...well, you can't drive yet, so you'll have to figure out SOME way of getting downtown, and it's my turn to be at the front desk today so you'll have to do that, and help out all the customers and tell them about corporations, limited liability companies, sole proprietorships..."

At this she gets up from the floor, walks over, picks up her teddy bear, heads to the foot of the stairs, and says, "I'm the kid and you're the mom, I'm going to bed now."

Exactly.

I know, it's been too long. I shall correct by listing Veronica bon mots over the past month or so:

At school one day, she tells Miss Bryce that something is "stupid":

Bryce: You shouldn't say "stupid," Miss V. Where did you hear that word?

Veronica: Daddy.

Bryce: OK...do you even know what that means?

Veronica: It means people who can't drive right.

Jason sits on the sofa where Veronica was sitting minutes before:

Veronica: Move, Daddy! That's where I sit!

Jason: You're not sitting here now. There's no place for Daddy to sit! Where do you want me to sit? You want me to sit...on the ceiling?

Veronica: You can't sit on the ceiling, you fall down. You can use glue but you be up there forever and have to sleep upside-down like bats.

Jason reads a book to Veronica and in the process, tells her how some species of frogs are going extinct:

Veronica: (stars to full-scale bawl with great sadness)

Jason: Veronica, what's wrong?

Veronica (still crying): There's not going to be any frogs when I grow up an' be a doctor?

Veronica and Zane play cowboys at Zane's house:

Veronica: OK, now YOU be the cowgirl and I be the cowboy, we switch roles.

Veronica hears "Crazy Train" repeatedly and loves it:

Veronica: Daddy, is Ozzy a god?

Veronica hears me and my mom talk about how she put my toys in "time-out" years ago, once forgetting to give two paper-doll sets back to me:

Me: I didn't even know she still had them until I was in college, Veronica.

Veronica (eyes wide and face sincere): Mommy, that's horrible. That's...that's really, really horrible, Mommy!

Veronica asks questions about her new ogre baby toy from the Shrek the Third movie:

Veronica: Mommy...why do ogre babies wear diapers?

Me: Because they poop and pee in them. They're too little to know how to go potty yet, so they can just poop and pee whenever in their diapers.

Veronica: Oh...Does Shrek and Fiona use the potty?

Me: Yes, they're all grown up, they know how to use the potty...in fact, Shrek uses the potty in the first movie. Remember the very beginning when he's reading the book? And he gets out of that little wooden shack? That little wooden shack is what's called an "outhouse", and that's what people used before they had toilets that flushed...that little shack has a hole where you pee and poop. So in the very first scene of the very first Shrek movie, Shrek was pooping.

Veronica (with awe and excitement): WOW...That's really AWESOME!

A little boy at Veronica's swim lesson cries to his mom because he wants to wear his shoes in the pool:

Instructor: Jack, we don't wear shoes in the pool.

Veronica: (Says something to instructor that's inaudible to me.)

Instructor: That's right, Veronica, I wear feet too.

Veronica starts singing The Offspring at school:

Veronica (singing): Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh, give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh....

Miss Ashley (singing back): ...an' all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy!

Veronica: No, Miss Ashley, we do not talk about people's color, that's not nice! We talk about colors of things...like cars...

Veronica and I play with dolls:

Veronica (lays dolls down in toy house): They're tired, they're going to sleep.

Me (whispering): OK, I'll be very quiet....

Veronica (in normal voice, a bit condescending): You don't have to be quiet, Mommy. They're toys, Mommy. It's just pretend.


The gist of all this is, no one knows what's going to fly out of Veronica's mouth next. I should really follow her around with a tape recorder. She certainly keeps things interesting....