So last night was our first childbirth class. It was interesting and informative and all that stuff, but I'd have to say the highlight was seeing other women, as large as me, having trouble getting up off the floor and walking around with swollen ankles. I don't feel quite so much like a large freak at this point.

We went over a lot last night, but probably the least helpful item to me was the relaxation techniques. I just can't relax. I think too much to do so. Like when our instructor gave us a scenario to go over in our heads while our eyes were closed:

"Picture yourself in a field of flowers."

Oh no, not this. Too cliche. Too hokey. OK, I'll go along with it....

"It can be any type of flowers you want!"

OK, I'm in Lompoc. Or Carlsbad. This is great.

"It can be daisies. Or lilies."

Oh shit, it has to be all the SAME flower....

"It can be daffodils."

Ooo, I love daffodils.

"It can be roses."

ACK. Why would you do roses? Too many thorns. Prickly. ACK.

"Or carnations, or tulips...."

Tulips are nice. Nah, too Dutch. I'm picturing windmills now.

"...any flower you want."

Daffodils it is, then. Yay me, I'm relaxed.

"You're walking around your field, and you're picking your flowers."

Why? Daffodils can't possibly be easy to pick.

"You're picking them in bouquets of four."

Good, my hands won't get too full.

"And you're picking four bouquets of four."

That makes sixteen. SHIT! Where am I going to put all these damn flowers? I can't carry that many!

"You're carrying a basket, like a picnic basket."

Oh, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. My daffodils are looking like poppies now. Is Toto in the basket too?

"You're putting the bouquets in the basket."

Duh. "Somewhere over the rainbow...."

"You're tying each bouquet with a ribbon."

ACK!!! I can't do this! I'm picking four daffodils but I can't hold them together AND dangle this basket on my arm at the same time, let alone tie them! I can't tie them with one hand! Maybe if I toss them in the basket and kinda tilt it so they all fall together...

"You're putting your bouquets in the basket."

WAIT!!!! GO BACK, dammit, I'm not done tying up the first bouquet yet!

"And you're walking through your field of flowers...."

No I'm not, I'm cursing these fucking flowers for not tying together. The ribbon's slipping off. It's a mess!

"Now open your eyes. Feel the action."

Hey, there's the ceiling. I'm in Dr. Paul's waiting room. Thank god.

See what I mean? I tell Jason my thought process and he asks "And we're paying money for this class? Work with me!" He tries to tell me that maybe, MAYBE, the flowers have velcro on the stems and therefore will be held together without the bow. "Pffft," I scoff. "That's just silly." (Let's not even get into when part of the relaxation techniques told us to recite a poem or prayer or the like in our heads; my noggin instantly popped up "It's the End of the World as We Know It" but I started stressing when I realized I couldn't get past "That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes and aeroplanes, Lenny Bruce is not afraid....")

In other news....

Not like I didn't have enough make-believe crap to worry about, but an actual, legitimate concern has popped up: My lips are turning blue. It happened once at Babies R Us on Sunday, once when I was putting away laundry Sunday night, and again around noon yesterday at work. I went to my family doctor (my OB/GYN's office did not consider it to be a pregnancy problem, even though it might stem from my pregnancy), where they performed an EKG (normal) and scheduled me for an echocardiogram on Thursday, just to make sure my little ticker is, well, ticking properly. My doctor thinks, though, that the problem stems from my low blood pressure combined with my little body and this huge ole' baby attached. She said to drink more fluids, which I'll admit I don't get nearly enough of, but I also can't run off to the loo as much as I'd like already. So here I sit, about ready to float away while sucking down a grape soda that'll stain my lips so I can't tell if they're blue or not. I really don't care at this point, when all I want is a nap.