I dread going back into work tomorrow. I've screwed up so many things in the past few months, because I was learning a new position with little training, but I'm going to be in deep shit if I can't fix them. I'm stressed as can be, fearful that I will not have a job anymore - and my health insurance, all of my pre-natal appointments, are through my workplace.

Even worse, I fear that if something should happen that I would have to leave work sooner than my due date, that I will not have a job to come back to, as I'm so backed up. Not like it won't be bad enough, only having 2 or so weeks of my maternity leave paid (provided I don't get sick before that - that's my personal days, sick days, and vacation days for the year.) Plus, once again, health insurance issues - I'd have to forego any post-natal checkups without it, we really couldn't afford it.

Not like we can afford childcare, anyway. We need to have Veronica in a place where, even starting in infancy, she is cared for and paid attention to, not just set down until she cries. Jason has found a wonderful place where he services an aquarium; only problems are, they have a 12-month waiting list, and they charge $980 a month. That's almost our mortgage payment - we could just buy another house with that sort of money. But I fear that anyplace cheaper will neglect her. And it's not like we have a lot of time to go over options, as I'm already in my 26th week (only 14 to go) and I have to work so much to catch up.

I feel like a slug. For the first time in a few weeks, I didn't work this weekend, and I didn't work any overtime today. Not like I have a lot of overtime, anyway - one week I had to make up time for my last prenatal appointment, another I had to make up time for getting to work so late after being stuck in traffic. The bitter cold weather means icy roads, and there's always a wreck to delay me, no matter if I leave earlier or not. Which never happens, because I'm so exhausted that I oversleep almost every morning.

Jason says not to worry. He says even if I get in trouble at work, it will only last a day. Oh how little he knows. They hold grudges at my office. Our last pregnant co-worker - I heard that the HR manager said she would've been fired if she hadn't been pregnant, and this woman had been with the firm for years. Worse yet, she had fertility problems and a subsequently rough pregnancy. Other women who work there are mothers, and none of them have cut me a bit of slack, meaning that I'm just a hypochondriac to think that I'm fatigued or absent-minded because I'm pregnant. I have to get my stuff together, and alone, because no one's going to help me. I need to stay awake longer - I left on time tonight just because I wanted to sleep so badly, but I did that all weekend. I shouldn't need any more extra rest. I didn't need to fall asleep on the sofa tonight for over an hour. I need to just FOCUS.

I probably will not be posting for a while. I need to look into daycare, schedule follow-up appointments, refill prescriptions, and start budgeting money for my maternity leave. Plus I need to start working more overtime. I'm going to look into getting Word on my computer so I can do things at home too, once I've left the office. (Which would be better, my right hand is going numb on the mouse at work, like someone's hit my funny bone, but it's not quite so bad here at home, where I have a wrist assist and a track ball instead.) If I can manage all this, I should be OK. But I won't be sleeping until then. Not only am I too worried to do so, I really don't have the time. And part of me wonders if I'm just being lazy for being here tonight, at 10:15 p.m., and for not being back at work.