I'm back!

I've had a busy-ass week that meant no lunch breaks for me, which is when I normally update this blog. (Well, I had lunch breaks, but ones where I didn't have time to play online.)

Not much more news except that my stomach is finally feeling a little better. The fatigue's still there, so is the nausea, but both are subsiding somewhat. The moodiness is still pretty bad, but it's always been that way so really, it's no big.

We've bought a lot of used baby stuff from a friend - a crib, changing table, play yard, car seat, and all sorts of other odds n' ends from her two kids (the younger of whom is now three.) Because Jason's aunt has already purchased us a baby book and a mobile, there are two other items we won't have to worry about. And my mom is repainting my old bassinet.

Last night I got a horrible panic attack, fearing the pain of childbirth but more importantly, fearing the unknown. I have no clue what this feels like, and no one can really tell me. I have no clue what will happen, either, which also no one can tell me because every delivery is different; I could interview every woman I know with kids and get countless different stories. I'm not a big fan of pain (who is, people a leetle too much into S&M excluded), in fact I've been told I'm quite a baby about it, so what if I don't hold up? And I hate to lose control, especially in front of other people. For example, vomiting due to morning sickness always bothers me twice as much if someone overheard me. I can't imagine I can get through having a baby.

And next week is another litany of tests. I fear their outcome. I fear that this newly painted bassinet, these newly purchased finds, these baby gifts, will all have to find new homes. I fear this blog will be pulled because I won't be a mommy. I just FEAR. And that's all I'm feeling now, as I try very hard to not get sick off my fettucini alfredo, stay awake, get some work done, and not cry.