*sigh*

Do reduced hours at work really count when you still have the same workload, and are still expected to get it all done?

I don't know how much rest and stress relief I'm really getting when I dream of billing foreclosure files, both at night at during daytime naps.

I guess dreaming of work is better than the random thoughts I'll have in the middle of the night. They're always disturbing, out of left field, and end just before I doze back off again. An example from last night:

I awaken because my leg is stiff. This is all. I have been sleeping peacefully. I readjust the offending leg to a more comfortable position. As I do so, this thought pops into my head, out of the blue:

"Babies are attracted to attractive faces. Attractiveness at its core is based on symmetry. Therefore, baby will be repulsed by an unsymmetrical face. Veronica will look at Jason and love him, but will instantly shirk away from me because my face is so uneven right now. We will not bond and she will not love me."

And then: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ......I'm back out.

This wouldn't be so annoying/disturbing/just plain sad if it were an isolated incident. But no, it's the only the latest one. As it turns out, I awakened this morning with amazing mobility in my right cheek, as I think I exercised it in my sleep after that insta-panic. But most of these have no positive outcomes, and only result in me feeling as if I've gotten five minutes of sleep in the middle of a noisy train station.

At least Jason and I had a nice time last night at our childbirth classes. I could go over second-level breathing and some other stuff, but nah, what psyched me was our tour of the maternity ward. And let's face it, the birthing rooms, postpartum rooms, etc. - who cares, because we got to look inside the nursery window. Ooooo.....Little newborns, just hours old, sleeping and crying and wiggling around. Every one of them adorable - but not nearly as adorable as Veronica will be, of course. ;-) I just kept looking at them and tried to imagine one of them as mine and Jason's, tried to better reconcile the rumblings in my abdomen with the beautiful little babies we saw in the window. I really, really can't wait to see Veronica now.

And despite all my stress lately, I'm actually feeling confident about the birth. Like I told Jason, "I'll be OK, because dammit, I don't have any other choice!" And it's true. It's not going to do me any good to completely fly apart, and it won't do Veronica or Jason any good, either. That doesn't mean I'm going to feel completely in control and happy happy, joy joy the whole time - please, I'm smart enough to know better - but I think I'll be strong enough to handle it. In fact, I KNOW I will. And that's because I have no other choice. :-) Now I'm just hoping that this good vibe lasts for the next several weeks, or at least during labor, although said good vibe would be a helluva lot better if I weren't so stressed out and could get a decent night's sleep.