A break in the baby updates to mention something else that is perturbing me greatly at the moment - although it does mention my pregnancy.

I went out to lunch yesterday with several of my new co-workers, one of whom is pregnant. The daily special at the restaurant was liver; although one of the attorneys very much wanted to order it, she refrained when she realized that the odor of it might make the pregnant woman nauseous.

Now, I though this was very sweet and considerate. But what is bothering me was the instant flashback to being pregnant last year, and having my co-workers at the time ask me "are you going to throw up again?" all the time and bragging how they never got nausea during their own pregnancies. One girl, upon hearing that the scent of microwave kettle corn made me ill, would wave her own freshly-popped bag in front of my face, saying "I'm not gonna make you throw up, am I?" I was bothered by all this at the time, but a little more distance has shown me just how thoughtless and cruel it all was. I've just met this woman at my new job and would never dream of doing any of these things to her.

I hate the instant flashback. I hate feeling OK and then, all of a sudden, getting this horribly sad, troubling image pop into my head at the slightest provocation. While I think some bad memories are necessary - learning from your mistakes and whatnot - I just wish I didn't have such a treasure trove of them, that some could be purged or not bother me anymore. I just want to forget so many things sometimes, so many incidents that could make me cry within minutes just to think of them. They distract me. They haunt me. They erase my smile in seconds and do not replace it.

The past never dies, but I wish it could just sleep sometimes.